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No one plans for divorce. How do you cope?
Jan 06, 2021
It's over... you are having the DIVORCE conversation.
Remember when you were young and some special guest speaker came in and asked who was going to get married? And everyone put their hand up. How many kids you might want to have? Where you wanted to live? Generally no-one asked the question – who is planning on getting a divorce? Once we're having that conversation, it seems like we are often in the middle of a crisis.
In Australia now 1 in 3 marriages will end in divorce. The median age is 43 for women and 45 for men getting a divorce. Most people who separate have been married less than 10 years. It’s something many of us are going to, or have experienced. Women tend to initiate divorces more frequently than men with 35% of divorces being a joint agreement.
Apart from going to the lawyer there are few resources available to support people going through the emotional process of separating during divorce. The confusion of why is this happening to me. Feeling relieved or anxious and upset. How to manage all the practical things and start healing as well. How to communicate with my ex? What happens if we briefly reconcile – can we make it work again?
If you’re feeling lost in the aftermath of a big decision like divorce or grieving the loss of someone, is there someone in your corner? A good listener, Mariyon will quickly understand the nuances and work with you to strengthen your sense of being whole again. Men and women are welcome.
Feel free to call Mariyon on
0430 183 893 for a preliminary chat and see if she can help.
Mariyon Slany Psychotherapist Blog
The gradual screening of phone calls was something I have observed increasing over the past 15 years, with the associated upswing in having appointments to catch up rather than just organically dropping in on friends. I have also noticed this coincides with the phrase 'overthinking things' which is so prevalent today. My mind reflects that when clients tell me they had a conversation, or discussed an important issue with a friend, room-mate or partner finding that it is more than likely they are referring to a text based message, and not a face to face conversation. Perhaps 'overthinking' is associated to writing, rewriting or deleting a text based message prior to sending it. A client mentioned that an ex partner didn't want to speak on the phone because of potential confrontation; the assumption being that a phone call will lead to conflict. Is this a generational experience? That ellipsis's or silences can only be permissable if we have grown up assuming there is an organic nature to conversation that allows for the other to respond both verbally and non verbally. If you can't craft the perfect response then you don't' want to engage with the other person. It's almost saying - I want to put you on pause to allow myself to think of the perfect response. The saying that 'conversation is an art' goes back 100s' of years, and yet is never true-er; with people predicting the end of conversational art from the 1950's. Now it seems emotions becoming status updates rather than something to be explored in a conversation . “The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.” ― William Hazlitt, Selected Essays, 1778-1830 The invention of the rotary phone in 1892 already caused people anxiety. The fear was that telephone communication was somehow magical and we might be 'taken over' by using the phone to talk with someone. The modern rotary dial came in from 1919 which is when 'dialling' starting to be used in our lexicon, and of course the ubiqitious mobile phone from the 1990's. This seems to have led to a reluctantence now to pick up the phone to just chat? These are some reasons I've heard: We feel that we are short of time; That texting allows us to multi-task; That we can't predict what will happen in the conversation and we are becoming used to curated information at all levels; We may not know what to say; or we simply don't want to have that much personal connection because we feel overwhelmed by out lives as it is. We are losing out on allowing the other to enter into the conversation and influence what we are saying or feeling. Providing a pause for the engagement of other to come into the conversation is part of dialogue rather than polemical statements. I have a metaphor that I use which is 'my antennae are way out of on stalks' to indicate when someone is more sensitised to the world and other people's emotions. Perhaps we are trying to protect ourselves from the raw experience of other's emotional selves which results in pulling out antennae back into ourselves like a snail.
Predictability versus excitement is a battle that all relationships have to contend with. What does happiness have to do with it?
The last week there has been lots of new information and I'm constantly feeling tired. Is this related to what I call "emotional hangover"? Plans for my husband to travel back to Europe to visit his very sick Father, a Manager leaving a role where I work part time and fundamental to my role there, and re-engaging with family members when there hadn't been much communication. All of these experiences were 'new' to my brain and adding to the amount of every day work my brain was trying to get through. However I was still amazed at how exhausted I felt. Our brain is a decision making organ. Of all the thousands of pieces of information that I absorbed every day, my brain was having to decide what to put into long term procedural memory and what to keep in short term memory every night when I slept. Disturbed sleep means my brain hasn't had a chance to do all of that good work. What I sometimes call the 'emotional hangover' from the day before dragging into the next day due to lack of REM sleep (distinguishable by not having as many dreams). Hence, the next morning, I was bringing the previous day's information into the next lot of business, meaning I was less able to stay focused for longer periods of time and was tired, quicker. Multi-tasking is actually our brain moving very quickly from one focus to the next and Johann Hari says in Stolen Focus: Why you can't pay attention , that it means our ability to concentrate is rapidly reducing. He has quoted research that says, if office workers are interrupted it takes 23 minutes to get back focus, and many workers never get back to focus on a task after becoming distracted. Additionally we touch our phones over 2000 times in 24 hours. It's like we are getting lost in our own lives. Dr James Williams is a researcher on attention, and says that we need to give attention to the right things. That we need to deal with attention problems before achieving any other sustained goal. Hari states in Stolen Focus that fracturing of attention is causing crises in our whole society. When attention breaks down, problem solving breaks down. In terms of understanding my fatigue this past week, I take this away from Stolen Focus ; it boils down to two things - either you are awake and aware, or asleep and the brain is cleaning up. The best thing for me to do, I decide, is to not focus on all the implications from all these changes, and deliberately focus on one thing every day. Also, spend some time distracting my brain by listening to music, reading a relaxing book, or simply staring out the window to allow a re-calibration of a calm centre.
