Why it's important to understand what happened when one of you has had an affair

Why people have affairs

One of the major reasons people have affairs is the perceived ‘excitement’ that an affair offers in giving ‘difference’ to everyday life. That is, that we may have felt overwhelmed by being responsible and too much of a regular routine (which also contributes to a sense of emotional safety that we seek in our relationship). Another fundamental reason for people having affairs is that they may have a lack of self worth and so seek some ‘relief’ from the pain of being ourselves by being admired or even adulated by someone different. 

Lack of self worth affair

If someone has an affair to make themselves feel worthy, or not so ‘shit’ about their life, then the responsibility for the breakdown in trust does really rest with them., and it’s vital that this person starts to spend time looking inwards rather than escaping from their inner life and projecting their emotional stuff over their partner.

The revenge affair

This can occur because someone is angry or getting back at their partner over a previous betrayal. IT can be important to work through the Gottman’s 5 step process as a starting point to deal with the high emotions and also to learn strategies around approaching conflict discussions.

The exit affair

If someone has not had the courage to admit they don’t want to be with you and end up showing you in their actions, it can very hard to resurrect the relationship as they have not shown much willingness to either communicate or understand their own motives.

Variety affair  

This is often used as a justification for an affair ie sexual experimentation. Yes, our brains do seek new stimuli and understanding and accepting how we can manage that is part of a successful long-term relationships.  If you are with someone for other reasons than their ability to provide for the nuance of your sexual needs - things like companionship, friendship, shared interests, commitment - then this may feel like a hollow excuse to hurt you. Spending time exploring what you both want sexually may not have been part of your relationship dynamic so working with an experienced therapist can help with normalising desire in the relationship.

Lack of love or feelings of neglect affair

This is the most significant reason for an affair that may well result in the ending of a long-term relationship. If we have not contributed to the daily work of building good things into our love relationship by small acknowledgements (which the Gottmans call ‘turning towards our partner’s bids’ and ‘sharing fondness and admiration’ our relationship may be so low don on empty in the petrol tank that it has not more mileage in the tank. If we want to continue we have to make a concentrated effort to put more into the tank of the relationship.

Triangular Theory of Love as applied to affairs:

Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love from 1998 says that a love based on a single element (intimacy, passion, commitment) is less likely to survive.

Liking has bondedness, a warmth and closeness but not intense passion. (intimacy)

Infatuated love often the ‘love at first sight’ limerance experience and may disappear just as suddenly. (passion)

Empty love arranged marriages often start this way. Commitment is there but no intimacy or passion. (commitment)

Romantic love bonded through liking (emotional) and physically through arousal. (intimacy, passion)

Companionate love where deep affection and commitment remain without passion. (intimacy, commitment)

Fatuous love happens quickly in a ‘whirlwind’ without the stabilising influence of intimacy. (passion, commitment)

Consummate love is the ideal we work towards and rests on translating the components of love into action. It may not be permanent if passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love. (intimacy, passion, (commitment)

The balance is likely to shift throughout the course of a relationship. Time alone does not cause intimacy, passion and commitment to occur and grow.  But you can see that if your relationship is currently only existing on one element, then the broader picture of how you can instil other elements is then the work of both of you, and this may give you some clarity as to what is going on in your relationship that made it susceptible to an affair.

What you can do

Have an upfront conversation - Relationships thrive on conscious communication. The more you have the desire (stated or non verbal) to want to 'just move on' the more likely it will come up in conversation or more likely a fight later on in your relationship.

Take responsibility for your emotions - If you're feeling resentful, try and understand why. Spend time nutting it out and spending time with yourself. As part of this step you may like to re-affirm a commitment to your love relationship if that’s appropriate.

Volunteer details or clearly answer questions when asked -  If your partner needs reassurance, and if you can't be honest or are dismissive to their requests of knowing details, then the trust isn't going to magically rebuild itself.  This is a necessary but painful step, regardless of whether it was a physical affair or emotional affair.

Agree to guidelines for behaviour - You both need a plan of what guidelines you are prepared to have from here in; sharing phone passwords, or discussing socialising and expectations. Technology has facilitated all of us being more independent from each other, so that secrets can be kept much more easily. Love relationships require honesty and a commitment to making your partner feel emotionally safe.

Go and see someone who can help you both listen better to your partner -  Emotions are high, dis-regulated emotional states are frequent, and harsh words may have been said and stewed over. The reason to see a professional Couples Counsellor is to insert some space for you to both 'hear' each other better and not to allocate blame. An experienced therapist can also gently indicate the larger patterns in long term relationships and help you understand what stage your relationship may be at and what that means. Also helping you understand how the avoidance of conflict is festering the next moments of mis-trust and perhaps even how your particular personality traits are making things worse or better in the relationship dynamic.

Look at the bigger picture of your relationship dynamic - do you have avoidant attachment tendencies, do your partner's erratic emotional swings make you run a mile.  Or perhaps there patterns from previous relationships for you to understand and try to do differently.  Looking at patterns in human relationships generally can make us feel less persecuted and more reassured when we understand some of the frameworks that our behaviour fits within. 

Listen to Mariyon talk below about the reasons people have affairs.