Tune Your Relationship Blog

Why it's important to understand what happened when one of you has had an affair

Mon, 10 Nov 2025 12:09:48 GMT

Trying to understand where to go once you've found out your partner has had an affair is hard. You may not want to admit it, because then it makes it all more real. They might say it was just flirty fun, it was nothing major, or on the other hand, it wasn't physical. Of course, no-one wants to face the seismic life changing information that your partner betrayed you.

Why people have affairs

One of the major reasons people have affairs is the perceived ‘excitement’ that an affair offers in giving ‘difference’ to everyday life. That is, that we may have felt overwhelmed by being responsible and too much of a regular routine (which also contributes to a sense of emotional safety that we seek in our relationship). Another fundamental reason for people having affairs is that they may have a lack of self worth and so seek some ‘relief’ from the pain of being ourselves by being admired or even adulated by someone different.

Lack of self worth affair

If someone has an affair to make themselves feel worthy, or not so ‘shit’ about their life, then the responsibility for the breakdown in trust does really rest with them., and it’s vital that this person starts to spend time looking inwards rather than escaping from their inner life and projecting their emotional stuff over their partner.

The revenge affair

This can occur because someone is angry or getting back at their partner over a previous betrayal. IT can be important to work through the Gottman’s 5 step process as a starting point to deal with the high emotions and also to learn strategies around approaching conflict discussions.

The exit affair

If someone has not had the courage to admit they don’t want to be with you and end up showing you in their actions, it can very hard to resurrect the relationship as they have not shown much willingness to either communicate or understand their own motives.

Variety affair

This is often used as a justification for an affair ie sexual experimentation. Yes, our brains do seek new stimuli and understanding and accepting how we can manage that is part of a successful long-term relationships. If you are with someone for other reasons than their ability to provide for the nuance of your sexual needs - things like companionship, friendship, shared interests, commitment - then this may feel like a hollow excuse to hurt you. Spending time exploring what you both want sexually may not have been part of your relationship dynamic so working with an experienced therapist can help with normalising desire in the relationship.

Lack of love or feelings of neglect affair

This is the most significant reason for an affair that may well result in the ending of a long-term relationship. If we have not contributed to the daily work of building good things into our love relationship by small acknowledgements (which the Gottmans call ‘turning towards our partner’s bids’ and ‘sharing fondness and admiration’ our relationship may be so low don on empty in the petrol tank that it has not more mileage in the tank. If we want to continue we have to make a concentrated effort to put more into the tank of the relationship.

Triangular Theory of Love as applied to affairs:

Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love from 1998 says that a love based on a single element (intimacy, passion, commitment) is less likely to survive.

Liking has bondedness , a warmth and closeness but not intense passion. (intimacy)

Infatuated love often the ‘love at first sight’ limerance experience and may disappear just as suddenly. (passion)

Empty love arranged marriages often start this way. Commitment is there but no intimacy or passion. (commitment)

Romantic love bonded through liking (emotional) and physically through arousal . (intimacy, passion)

Companionate love where deep affection and commitment remain without passion. (intimacy, commitment)

Fatuous love happens quickly in a ‘whirlwind’ without the stabilising influence of intimacy. (passion, commitment)

Consummate love is the ideal we work towards and rests on translating the components of love into action. It may not be permanent if passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love. (intimacy, passion, (commitment)

The balance is likely to shift throughout the course of a relationship. Time alone does not cause intimacy, passion and commitment to occur and grow. But you can see that if your relationship is currently only existing on one element, then the broader picture of how you can instil other elements is then the work of both of you, and this may give you some clarity as to what is going on in your relationship that made it susceptible to an affair.

What you can do

Have an upfront conversation - Relationships thrive on conscious communication. The more you have the desire (stated or non verbal) to want to 'just move on' the more likely it will come up in conversation or more likely a fight later on in your relationship.

Take responsibility for your emotions - If you're feeling resentful, try and understand why. Spend time nutting it out and spending time with yourself. As part of this step you may like to re-affirm a commitment to your love relationship if that’s appropriate.

Volunteer details or clearly answer questions when asked - If your partner needs reassurance, and if you can't be honest or are dismissive to their requests of knowing details, then the trust isn't going to magically rebuild itself. This is a necessary but painful step, regardless of whether it was a physical affair or emotional affair.

Agree to guidelines for behaviour - You both need a plan of what guidelines you are prepared to have from here in; sharing phone passwords, or discussing socialising and expectations. Technology has facilitated all of us being more independent from each other, so that secrets can be kept much more easily. Love relationships require honesty and a commitment to making your partner feel emotionally safe.

Go and see someone who can help you both listen better to your partner - Emotions are high, dis-regulated emotional states are frequent, and harsh words may have been said and stewed over. The reason to see a professional Couples Counsellor is to insert some space for you to both 'hear' each other better and not to allocate blame. An experienced therapist can also gently indicate the larger patterns in long term relationships and help you understand what stage your relationship may be at and what that means. Also helping you understand how the avoidance of conflict is festering the next moments of mis-trust and perhaps even how your particular personality traits are making things worse or better in the relationship dynamic.

Look at the bigger picture of your relationship dynamic - do you have avoidant attachment tendencies, do your partner's erratic emotional swings make you run a mile. Or perhaps there patterns from previous relationships for you to understand and try to do differently. Looking at patterns in human relationships generally can make us feel less persecuted and more reassured when we understand some of the frameworks that our behaviour fits within.

Listen to Mariyon talk below about the reasons people have affairs.

Is your emotional credit card maxxed out?

Thu, 30 Jan 2025 13:48:55 GMT

Feeling totally worn out? Racing away from another emotional pressure point?

If you are listening intensely to others and regularly offering empathy to your peers or family, this may apply to you.

You may not understand why, but the phrase I use is – your emotional credit card is maxxed out! Similarly to a physical credit card that has reached its limit, there is no more spending until the debt is paid down – and haven’t we all had experience of that!

My way of looking at this is to more actively consider your imagination; are you taking care of it so that it is not filled up with everyone else’s visions and creativity? Similarly to dress style, when we simply copy others, our own self feels limited or maybe even fake. Too much being inauthentic can actually lead to a sense of our loss of self and this is such an intangible that it’s hard to see and we really have to create strategies to work against this.

Perhaps you’ve come across those early negative teachers, as I did, who announced in High School art class that nothing was original. In hindsight, now that I’m a therapist, I have a feeling that it was her own dashed dreams that she was commenting on as she was a high school art teacher, rather than perhaps being a practising artist. But as people like Julia Cameron now teach in The Artist’s Way it is about reclaiming our creative energy from some of those earlier naysayer experiences, and allowing a sense of the creative to infuse our being.

On the positive side, when we actually spend time nurturing our originality and imagination we are not so swayed by the immediate desires of others, and may do less of ‘being nice’ or ‘going along with the group so as not to rock the boat’.

Another aspect of this is what I refer to as ‘emotional hangover’ feelings. That is feelings that we haven’t yet dealt with, and that create a lingering after effect that you can't quite put your finger on, but you feel it in your body. How do we ‘deal’ with our emotions in response to a challenging conversation at work, or a friend offloading on us, or family members 'invading' our space. Physically we can do something, that is actually shrug both our shoulders up and down whilst visualising the departure of ‘the story’ whatever it is. This technique comes back to visualising boundaries.

If we haven’t actively visualised our emotional boundaries between ourselves and others, or put in place some physical gestures to create those boundaries, then the likelihood is that you are continuing to struggling with other people’s emotional ‘stuff’, and it squashes out the sense for you to have enough space to be you.

One of the important things to do is to visualise keeping a tight fence around your inner core of creativity, or your inner world. Working on nurturing our own original thoughts and interpretations and respecting their integrity gives value to yourself. Finding a physical action to align with the thought can reinforce that boundary for you, and start to help create separation away from others' emotional 'stuff' and help ensure your emotional credit card does not stay maxxed out.

How to co-parent amicably during divorce or separation

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 10:29:31 GMT

Are you looking for tips on how to co-parent amicably after a separation or divorce?

Family mediator Ian Shann of Move On Mediation in Perth shares his valuable tips from over 30 years of helping separating parents move on with their lives.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting is the role both parents play in the upbringing of their children after a divorce or separation. It requires sharing of responsibilities and for both parents to make joint decisions in matters relating to the raising of their children. These decisions include living and schooling arrangements and health care and how much time they can spend with the each parent. All of these are vital in providing kids a stable and predictable environment in which they can live happily.

How Does The Law Define Co-Parenting?

Although co-parenting varies from family to family, Australian family law states that ideally both parents should share parental obligations and responsibilities and make decisions based on the best interests of the child. Shared responsibility may not be in the best interests of the child in certain circumstances, such as when family violence or abuse has occurred.

Why Should You Try To Amicably Co-Parent?

Amicable co-parenting is a non-negotiable factor. It requires both parents to keep emotions in check, be flexible to each other’s situations and for significant decisions regarding the children to be made jointly. An amicable co-parenting relationship between separating parents is always beneficial for the entire family and especially so for the children.

The Benefits of An Amicable Co-Parenting Relationship For Your Children

Security -

Seeing their parents interacting amicably makes children feel safe and secure.

Less conflict-

Making decisions together reduces the level conflict that can exist between parents, particularly during the early stages of separation.

Consistency -

Sticking as far as is practicable to rules and routine as they had before the separation helps children to adjust to their new lifestyles.

Healthy example-

Remaining civil sets an example for children to follow, encouraging them to develop healthy relationships in the future.

Emotional well-being-

Being in close contact and having a meaningful relationship with both parents contributes positively to children’s emotional well-being.

Tips For Amicable Co-Parenting After Separation & Divorce

Focus On The Best Interests of The Children - Always taking the best interests of the children into account should be the main focus after divorce or separation. Focusing on the children’s interests makes decision making much easier and can reduce resentments that may exist between the parents. After all, doing what’s best for your children should not be a hard task for either parent.

Improve Communications With Your Co-Parent - To co-parent amicably, both parents must be able to communicate with each other in a civil and cordial manner. Once again, emotions must be put aside to focus on the children’s needs. Good communication also requires listening carefully and considering the other side’s views before responding. Avoid responding when angry. Rather, say you’ll get back to them and respond by email or text, which allows you time to choose your words wisely.

Be Consistent In Your Household Expectations - It is usually easier for children to adapt to their new lives when they have similar rules across both households. That way children know what to expect and what is expected from them by both parents.

Be Proactive About Planning Ahead - Specific family events - like birthdays, Christmas Day or school holidays - can sometimes be a cause for contention in separated families. By being proactive and planning ahead everyone has time to reflect, allowing for unexpected changes that may have to be made.

Make Important Decisions As A Team - Co-parenting means working as a team, which includes consulting the kids as well where age appropriate. When important decisions are taken and arrangements made jointly, nobody feels excluded, thus reducing the potential for disagreements.

Try To Be Flexible & Respectful - When it comes to dealing with children, things often don’t work out quite as planned and changes need to be made. Allow the children flexibility too, giving them time to adjust, as not everything will be the same in the two households. Being flexible within reason also paves the way for an amicable post-divorce relationship with your ex and may encourage them to reciprocate when things don’t go as planned for you.

Don’t Put Your Children In The Middle - Always communicate directly with your ex and avoid using the children as messengers or as spies. Do not badmouth your ex or discuss your separation in front of your children. They have the right to have a healthy relationship with both parents so don’t put them in the middle making them feel they have to take sides or are in any way to blame for the separation.

Always Have Back Up Arrangements In Place - No matter how meticulous your plans may be, there will be times when things go wrong, sometimes at the last minute. It may not always be easy, but having a back-up arrangement in place is never a bad habit to develop.

Use Your Support Network - There will be times when you will find the going tough and you’ll need someone to talk to. Set up and use your support network as often as you need to get you through the difficult times that lie ahead. It could be family members, close friends or a community group. There’s no need to go through this painful period in your life completely on your own. Remember all of this is temporary.

Maintain A Self-Care Routine - During any stressful period in our lives, it’s so easy to neglect our health and well-being, by not eating right, drinking excessively, not getting enough sleep and not exercising enough. If allowed to continue all these traits could make your life more difficult and may lead to serious health issues. To be able to take care of your children you need to remain healthy yourself. So set up and maintain a healthy self-care routine and stay physically active.

Review Arrangements Over Time - As time goes by, situations are bound to change. The needs of both parents are likely to change as children grow older. You may find the original parental arrangements may no longer be practical to your or your children’s current needs. It is therefore advisable to review your arrangements as appropriate.

Consider A Formal Parenting Plan or Consent Order - Drawing up a formal parenting plan or Consent Order as part of your divorce settlement can be immensely beneficial for both parents. You may include whatever terms and conditions that suit your specific set of circumstances.

Where a parenting plan or Consent Orders are in place, all that is required is for both parents to stick to the terms they both agreed on, thus eliminating potential future conflict. It also provides peace of mind knowing that the children will be taken care of precisely as you both wish for years to come.

Contact Ian Shann at https://moveon.com.au/ for more information on mediation.

Why we feel devastated when friendship fails

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 09:54:51 GMT

The low hum of ambiguous loss

What is terribly haunting are the gaps left in us by others, and I think of my dead father as I write this. Having suddenly lost him in my mid 20s, I often think of him and wonder where he would be in his life cycle, i.e. how he had managed retirement, would he be travelling back to Europe or maybe would his body have been so exhausted by a lifetime of physical and intellectual work that he would be resting a lot. It makes me sad. What I have done is grieve for his loss. I have partaken in rituals of mourning and spoken about him in the past tense; which was exceedingly difficult in the first year after he died. This was publicly okay to do and expected of me, as other members of my family grieved. I was given space to feel sad, and platitudes were uttered by other people when I used the words ‘my father’ and ‘died early’ in the same sentence.

However, I have had a different experience with the loss of a best friend. She was vibrant and always interested in what I had to share with her, and we shared the same shorthand and a similar sense of humour. We pursued similar creative goals and worked on a production together, but ultimately went through life stages at different times which seemed too difficult to negotiate. Plus, I had met her through another close friend and ultimately that friend took precedence for her – because she was loyal to her ‘first friend’ rather than me, with whom she had much more in common, the friendship faltered and with no big argument we drifted apart in a short amount of time.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t still think about her and wonder how and where she would be in my life if we were still at least distant friends. I have tried several times and she doesn’t seem able to pick up the thread of our intense friendship that would now look like a 'comfortable being with each other' friendship. What I really struggle with is the ambiguous loss inherent in this. This is someone who for at least 7 years I talked with at least once a day, sometimes both morning and night, and texted during the day numerous times as well, and she has for over 15 years now, not been any part of my life, despite my several attempts to reconnect.

This is more of a disenfranchised grief; she was not my lover, not my family member, not even a childhood friend, but someone I met as an adult who I forged a close emotional and mental connection with and had formative experiences with. I am still very alone in expressing how I truly feel about it. My husband would - up until a few years back when I would send an invite for our annual Christmas party - ask me what I wanted from those communications, and tell me to ‘move on’ that there was no point resurrecting an old friendship.

The thing is with loss from death we can focus on practical aspects associated with that momentous change in our life; we can DO something to keep us distracted from the grief. If we are ‘ghosted’ by someone, apart from sifting through photos and putting them away where we can't see them or deleting them, there is nothing much practical to do, and I've realised our community doesn’t give space to this kind of loss. This low hum of mourning permeates many parts of my life still, as I wonder what stage of life is she in. This not knowing, of considering that this loss may actually be forever, is the unending sense of it, that leads to confusion, avoidance or distraction i.e. fantasy making about a different possible outcome.

The impact of overthinking on conversation

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 04:43:12 GMT

The gradual screening of phone calls was something I have observed increasing over the past 15 years, with the associated upswing in having appointments to catch up rather than just organically dropping in on friends. I have also noticed this coincides with the phrase 'overthinking things' which is so prevalent today.

My mind reflects that when clients tell me they had a conversation, or discussed an important issue with a friend, room-mate or partner finding that it is more than likely they are referring to a text based message, and not a face to face conversation. Perhaps 'overthinking' is associated to writing, rewriting or deleting a text based message prior to sending it.

A client mentioned that an ex partner didn't want to speak on the phone because of potential confrontation; the assumption being that a phone call will lead to conflict. Is this a generational experience? That ellipsis's or silences can only be permissable if we have grown up assuming there is an organic nature to conversation that allows for the other to respond both verbally and non verbally. If you can't craft the perfect response then you don't' want to engage with the other person. It's almost saying - I want to put you on pause to allow myself to think of the perfect response.

The saying that 'conversation is an art' goes back 100s' of years, and yet is never true-er; with people predicting the end of conversational art from the 1950's. Now it seems emotions becoming status updates rather than something to be explored in a conversation .

“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.”

― William Hazlitt, Selected Essays, 1778-1830

The invention of the rotary phone in 1892 already caused people anxiety. The fear was that telephone communication was somehow magical and we might be 'taken over' by using the phone to talk with someone. The modern rotary dial came in from 1919 which is when 'dialling' starting to be used in our lexicon, and of course the ubiqitious mobile phone from the 1990's. This seems to have led to a reluctantence now to pick up the phone to just chat?

These are some reasons I've heard:

We feel that we are short of time;
That texting allows us to multi-task;
That we can't predict what will happen in the conversation and we are becoming used to curated information at all levels;
We may not know what to say;
or we simply don't want to have that much personal connection because we feel overwhelmed by out lives as it is.

We are losing out on allowing the other to enter into the conversation and influence what we are saying or feeling. Providing a pause for the engagement of other to come into the conversation is part of dialogue rather than polemical statements.

I have a metaphor that I use which is 'my antennae are way out of on stalks' to indicate when someone is more sensitised to the world and other people's emotions. Perhaps we are trying to protect ourselves from the raw experience of other's emotional selves which results in pulling out antennae back into ourselves like a snail.

Does it matter that organic conversation has decreased?

What matters is that people feel less confident about the 'risk' of having an organic conversation, that is punctuated by thought and pauses rather than the complete pre-prepared message where we brook less argument. We are not allowing ourselves to be authentic by constantly sending a curated version of who we are.

Mariyon helps clients practise conversations (difficult or otherwise) by offering suggestions and a safe space to 'try out' words before we put them into our everyday life.

' Other than conversation, no other art form can give the satisfaction of spontaneous interaction like Jazz'.

Stan Getz

' Surely only boring people went in for conversations consisting of questions and answers. The art of true conversation consisted in the play of minds'.

Ved Mehta

'A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short'.

Andre Maurois

' Conversation. What is it? A Mystery! It's the art of never seeming bored, of touching everything with interest, of pleasing with trifles, of being fascinating with nothing at all'.

Guy de Maupassant

Happiness can be found in the rituals of our relationship

Mon, 05 Jun 2023 10:19:35 GMT

Predictability versus excitement is a battle that all relationships have to contend with. What does happiness have to do with it?

When we can’t anticipate something exciting like an overseas holiday, what joy is there amongst the grind? may be some people’s thinking. However, instead of assuming that our partner has to keep providing the excitement, the alternative is to choose to nurture our own relationship by being more aware of what the relationship needs. Robert Waldinger, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical school became director of the Study of Adult Development in 2005 and he is the fourth steward of the research, which began in 1938, on what makes us happy. The key finding is that relationships don’t just make us happy but they also help us weather the unhappy times. Knowing how to put more into your relationship and create more attentive rituals may help you sustain your relationship and feel happier.

What rituals help make our relationship happier?

The goodbye ritual – making sure you say farewell in the morning preferably accompanied by a kiss and re-establishing your bond when you return home is a small significant step for feeling closer
We all know about celebrating birthdays and milestones and those rituals help you keep the thread of positivity in your relationship.
The holiday ritual – do you go to the same place every year or do you eagerly anticipate the big planning session around holiday destinations?
The date night ritual is important but what about your own peculiar silly rituals that only the two of you know about – special words, the cheer for your sporting team, nicknames for people you know – that improve your unique bond

Professor Waldinger says that working on the study has helped him pay more attention to his own life. As an example, he says he used to let his wife run his social life and now he’s more careful about his own relationships and keeping them up. His wife is no longer the outsourcing of his social commitments simply telling him where to be. He says the good life is complicated for everyone and that not everyone is happy all the time. However, times when we feel more disconnected from others, through death of family members or moving to a new place, makes life harder for people. This study certainly points out the correlation between our bodily health and our relationship health and 84 years of data has solidified their conclusions, so applying rituals to your relationship may help.

Going back and forth constantly can use a lot of brain energy!

Fri, 02 Jun 2023 13:55:45 GMT

The last week there has been lots of new information and I'm constantly feeling tired. Is this related to what I call "emotional hangover"?

Plans for my husband to travel back to Europe to visit his very sick Father, a Manager leaving a role where I work part time and fundamental to my role there, and re-engaging with family members when there hadn't been much communication. All of these experiences were 'new' to my brain and adding to the amount of every day work my brain was trying to get through. However I was still amazed at how exhausted I felt.

Our brain is a decision making organ.

Of all the thousands of pieces of information that I absorbed every day, my brain was having to decide what to put into long term procedural memory and what to keep in short term memory every night when I slept.
Disturbed sleep means my brain hasn't had a chance to do all of that good work. What I sometimes call the 'emotional hangover' from the day before dragging into the next day due to lack of REM sleep (distinguishable by not having as many dreams).
Hence, the next morning, I was bringing the previous day's information into the next lot of business, meaning I was less able to stay focused for longer periods of time and was tired, quicker.
Multi-tasking is actually our brain moving very quickly from one focus to the next and Johann Hari says in Stolen Focus: Why you can't pay attention , that it means our ability to concentrate is rapidly reducing. He has quoted research that says, if office workers are interrupted it takes 23 minutes to get back focus, and many workers never get back to focus on a task after becoming distracted. Additionally we touch our phones over 2000 times in 24 hours. It's like we are getting lost in our own lives.
Dr James Williams is a researcher on attention, and says that we need to give attention to the right things. That we need to deal with attention problems before achieving any other sustained goal. Hari states in Stolen Focus that fracturing of attention is causing crises in our whole society. When attention breaks down, problem solving breaks down.

In terms of understanding my fatigue this past week, I take this away from Stolen Focus ; it boils down to two things - either you are awake and aware, or asleep and the brain is cleaning up. The best thing for me to do, I decide, is to not focus on all the implications from all these changes, and deliberately focus on one thing every day. Also, spend some time distracting my brain by listening to music, reading a relaxing book, or simply staring out the window to allow a re-calibration of a calm centre.

Three differences between Life Coaching, Psychotherapy and Relationship Coaching.

Fri, 06 May 2022 10:15:04 GMT

You may have heard people around you talking about a 'life coach' and not totally understood what that means. And what is a relationship coach?

Many people view working with a life coach as a means of bridging the gap between their current circumstances and the life they’d like to lead.

Firstly, life coaches can help you clarify your goals, identify the obstacles holding you back, and then come up with strategies for overcoming obstacles. By helping you to make the most of your strengths, life coaches provide the support you need to achieve change, plus regular sessions offer the opportunity to keep you focused on making that change! Coaching works at a more cognitive level of our brain, and we may also use affirmations to help change the inner voice and understand more about the Stages of Interpersonal Change.

A life coach is going to take a more general overview and may not necessarily be trained in a specific area.

Secondly a Relationship Coach has trained in areas of relationship issues, whether it be in dating, divorce recovery, dealing with affairs, or ongoing improvement in a long term relationship, and is going to solely focus on that area in the coaching sessions with you. Another methodology for effective Relationship Coaching is to offer to roleplay potentially difficult conversations for clients to ensure they have confidence when they go out into the dating world.

As a formal field, coaching is relatively young, but it has roots in many older disciplines. It draws on areas that include the human potential movement of the 1960s, leadership training, adult education, personal development, and numerous areas of psychology. Life coaching formally emerged during the 1980s and grew in popularity throughout the 1990s and 2000s. Some of the earliest life coaches focused on life planning, but the field eventually grew to encompass other life areas including relationships, finances, careers, health, and overall well-being.

Does it matter who I choose to work with?

Yes it does!

Unlike life coaches, psychotherapists focus on healing, treating mental health conditions, and helping people work through trauma and other issues from their past. Whilst working with a life coach ma y help you to deal with some unresolved issues, life coaches cannot treat mood disorders, anxiety disorders, addiction, or any other mental health condition.

Thirdly, a psychotherapist uses talk therapy to treat people for emotional problems and mental illnesses. Depending on what degree and specialty they get, psychotherapists can be psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, or social workers. They can work with individuals, couples, groups, or families. Psychotherapists use talk therapy to help you manage general emotional unrest or acute trauma or illness. They treat everything from the daily feeling of being overwhelmed to grief to specific mental disorders like schizophrenia, depression or anxiety. Sometimes talk therapy is used in combination with medications or lifestyle changes. However, in Australia psychiatrists are the only ones licensed to prescribe medication.

Psychotherapists use talk therapy to help you live a better, healthier life. Psychotherapy has been shown to improve emotions and behaviour, and to go along with positive changes in the body and brain.

The psychotherapist’s role in talk therapy is to:

Engage in discussion about your problem
Help you understand what you’re going through
Analyse your conversation
Help you change your actions
Help you understand the context of your problem

Coaches tend to focus their questions on the present and future whereas a mental health professional/therapist is going to encourage you to make linkages from past experiences to your present experiences. There is an argument that working with the brain at the conscious cognitive level which is part of coaching may not be sufficient to ensure change 'sticks' to fundamentally change some habits - depending of course on the individual and their psychological formation.

Mariyon uses both psychotherapy and relationship education approaches in her sessions depending on the client. Essentially this means she combines two modalities to utilise your more cognitive 'thinking brain' to effect change at a conscious everyday level. Whereas her training in psychotherapy offers an approach in terms of hearing stream of consciousness from a client and providing interpretation or analysis of that back to a client to help raise their awareness - also the relational dynamic between therapist and client helps effect change.

A psychotherapist is going to utilise some of these therapies:

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

This type of therapy helps you identify and change behaviour patterns and thinking that may be harmful to you. You’ll work on replacing them with accurate thoughts and functional behaviours.

Interpersonal therapy (IPT)

This short-term treatment helps you understand your underlying interpersonal issues. It trains you to express your emotions better and improve communication with others.

Psychodynamic therapy

Psychotherapists use this method to address and treat childhood trauma in order to improve behaviour and mental wellness.

Supportive therapy

This approach helps you develop your own resources to reduce anxiety, strengthen coping mechanisms, and improve social and community functioning. Psychotherapists use guidance and encouragement to help you.

Working at eliminating long term anxieties about our self, facing fears, and the belief in our own abilities is a key piece of work in a therapeutic setting.

If you are struggling with your mental health, consider reaching out to your doctor or a psychotherapy professional to discuss if talk therapy would be helpful for you.

No one plans for divorce. How do you cope?

Wed, 06 Jan 2021 16:48:38 GMT

It's over... you are having the DIVORCE conversation.

Remember when you were young and some special guest speaker came in and asked who was going to get married? And everyone put their hand up. How many kids you might want to have? Where you wanted to live? Generally no-one asked the question – who is planning on getting a divorce? Once we're having that conversation, it seems like we are often in the middle of a crisis.

In Australia now 1 in 3 marriages will end in divorce. The median age is 43 for women and 45 for men getting a divorce. Most people who separate have been married less than 10 years. It’s something many of us are going to, or have experienced. Women tend to initiate divorces more frequently than men with 35% of divorces being a joint agreement.

Apart from going to the lawyer there are few resources available to support people going through the emotional process of separating during divorce. The confusion of why is this happening to me. Feeling relieved or anxious and upset. How to manage all the practical things and start healing as well. How to communicate with my ex? What happens if we briefly reconcile – can we make it work again?

The Mathematics of Marriage: 10 steps to getting through the ‘emotional’ divorce

Wed, 06 Jan 2021 13:45:04 GMT

There are many questions after you and your love partner have made the decision to separate.

Part of the battle is working out how you feel about it all, and being clear to your partner about how you feel so that you are consistent.

There are 10 steps to getting through the ‘emotional’ divorce.

Why did it happen to me?
How to get over feeling totally rejected?.... Or…am I guilty?
How to communicate with my ex. Is that really me doing all the screaming and bad behaviour… ☹
Discovering what it means to feel connected to someone – what happened to your values.
Family, friends, and the kids… what to say?
Just move on and forget. Or… do I need to think a bit about my patterns?
What I need to know to not do it again.
Losing Friends.
Being single again – good, bad or just different.
Starting Anew.

Mariyon as your divorce recovery therapist will work through these 10 stages in 10 structured sessions for a set fee. She is also available on the phone to answer questions or can assist by giving input in regards to communication in Mediation processes as she is also a trained Mediator.

How can I benefit from a therapist during a divorce or separation?

Wed, 06 Jan 2021 13:37:39 GMT

A divorce recovery therapist can help in that time after you have decided to separate or divorce. They can help you with planning what to say in phone calls or help you in preparation for meetings with your ex or with lawyers. Basically they can help guide you and help identify the huge amount of conflicting emotions you may be feeling.

Mariyon has experienced divorce herself so has a personal understanding of the range of emotions including betrayal, anger and frustration. She has helped people during education courses for nearly 10 years, so has a strong understanding of the emotional processes that people go through during separation and is not only empathetic but clear in helping you establish new boundaries. Most divorces happen within the first 7 years of marriage and are most often initiated by one person which means the other person feels blindside.

Reasons for divorce include:

Infidelity
Lack of intimacy
Too much arguing
Substance abuse
Lack of commitment and/or emotional withdrawal
Undiagnosed mental health conditions
Financial stress, and of course, a sense of 'falling out of love'.

When a marriage or relationship has experienced an affair - with 70% of marriages going through that (by some estimates) - the overwhelming anger and grief can feel incapicitating. The impact on individuals around loss of trust and betrayal is a large part of the emotional turmoil that separating couples experience, and professional support and the sense of having someone in your corner is vital.